h1

les problems…

06/09/2007

Personally, I feel completely stressed out… Being sick means that whatever snippets of free time I manage to carve out are miserable or, usually, spent sleeping. I’ve become a buffer in the meantime for everyone’s personal drama and I don’t know how to just say “no” to people, because it makes me feel like I’m being callous. All I need is the space and support to maybe fall apart a little and not feel like a) someone is going to start a pissing contest with me or b) I’m being insensitive to someone else’s stress, as is what usually happens when you start venting to someone only to find out that their problems are so much worse.

Besides, I’m strong, right?

…right?

The stress doesn’t just come from school, or clubs, or residents (ha, they’re my lowest source of stress), or even my friends here. There’s so much going on at home, same story with no chance of getting better. Mom’s sick right now because (in part) she won’t slow down and behave like an adult with limitations. She goes out at all hours of the night with kids half her age, eats poorly and doesn’t get enough rest, then expects to be able to go to school and work every day without falling apart. I’m 21 years old and I’m incapable of doing that day in and day out. The thing is, she’s lonely and so desperate for friendship that she’s willing to do just about anything to get it.

What makes it worse is…well, one of her pals is one of my best friends (awkward). The other is my ex-boyfriend (trés awkward). I feel by going home I’m either forced to see someone I don’t care for or she ends up having to decide whether it’s more important to see her daughter or her “friend”. And it’s just a weird relationship, if you ask me, except nobody asks me. I feel like I’m being put in the middle of a situation I can’t stand.

Then she says she doesn’t want to get back together with my dad, and it’s just fine as long as she’s the one doing the rejecting. Let him say he doesn’t want to be with her, though, and she gets depressed.

She’s suicidal. Whenever someone confronts her with all of this and she feels cornered, she’ll say that she just wants to die. Last semester I spent a night on the phone with her, both of us crying, and I couldn’t go to bed until the guys promised me they wouldn’t leave her alone. I’m sitting in a room three hours away, not knowing if my mom would make it through the night. Just last month when I was home I told her I’d had enough of feeling like this, and she tried to leave – she even called my brother to tell him goodbye. I left with her and we talked her down…that time.

I’m afraid that I’ll wake up one morning to the news that nobody was there to stop her.

I’ve lived my whole life with the shadow of suicide, but it was my dad talking, my dad holding the gun, my dad wanting to throw it all away. Now that it’s my mom…I’m scared. She, I think, has the wherewithal to actually do it.

But don’t worry about me. I love life too much.

It’s just…j’ai les problems…

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