h1

celui qui est dans la commande

09/09/2007

So I need to take some time to think about my life. Where am I going, how will I get there, when will this entire charade play out to a happy resolution?

I’m irritated right now…well, not exactly right now…it’s more the memory of the irritation I had yesterday, when I was thinking about things. As much as I love my job and I love being an RA and so involved, yesterday it felt like I was reaching a breaking point. And it’s only September.

B is amazing. Great supervisor, wonderful friend potential if it wasn’t for that ineffable boundary between professional and personal. It should be there, because we wouldn’t be able to work together if he saw us all as friends first. But that’s beyond the point of my thinking here. I’m just a little fed up with inconsistency. I set up my schedule with certain understood things in mind, and I’ve now had to deal with the third shake-up to which I’m expected to adjust with no complaint and pure cooperation. I want to articulate this to him but I’m not sure how to do it without sounding critical or, worse, petulant.

I hate being petulant.

Talked to Mom today. She sounds like she’s doing better…I really miss her. She actually cried when she told me she wanted to see me – I think she’s coming down at the end of the month, after the High Holy Days are finished, to spend an afternoon – she may even be here for Jello!

And then there’s the sorority. When I signed my bid and joined DZ I felt so complete, like I was somewhere I belonged. And now…there’s so much bureaucracy and the requirement to do so much that wasn’t articulated before. Rather than feeling a sense of belonging and completion, now I feel like it’s just another obligation I would be better off without. Come January, I may give it up for good…

Try as I might (well, not try, I do everything on my schedule) I feel like I’m slipping and forgetting little things here and there. I hate it; I hate not feeling like I’m 100% in control of my life.

But hey…I’m not.

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