h1

c’est ridicule…

19/09/2007

She said ‘you don’t know me, you don’t care at all…’

Senior year is supposed to be amazing.

Senior year is supposed to be fun.

Senior year is supposed to be a time of anticipation and some anxiety.

Senior year is supposed to be about remembering the good times, and looking back on how far we’ve come.

Senior year…is none of those things.

I don’t think it’s possible to fully articulate the disappointment I feel at my senior year right now. Maybe I’m overextended (at least, that’s what my boss says). Maybe I’m seeing too much anxiety and not enough fun – maybe the formula’s bad.

All I know is that it’s week four. I want to go home more than words can say. I miss my old friends like I’ve never missed them before (and that says something). I wish for trips to McDonald’s before drama…when drama was on stage and not in my hallway. I dream about bus trips and random singalongs and of how it felt to know that I was never really alone, and that if I was single it didn’t matter because I was only a kid anyway.

I’m not a kid anymore.

Decisions I made with certain outcomes in mind are now materializing as something warped and unfamiliar. I thought I would belong, and not feel so outside the curve. I underestimated just what taking this on would mean. I’m talking in circles and not even sure that I understand what I’m saying.

I don’t feel comfortable pulling others in when I’m so desperate to get out.

I need clarity…contentment…coffee…and some cuddling wouldn’t hurt either.

I didn’t grow up to feel so alone.

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