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bienvenue a la cirque des rêves cassés

04/05/2009

I needed a place where I could just put my thoughts without soliciting an answer, a question, or even a sympathetic stare. It gets old after awhile, it does, so I came back to what I know — what’s here.

It seems no matter where I go I walk on broken dreams. I wake in the same place, see the same people, think the same worn thoughts before I close my eyes to sleep. There is one constant joy in my life, and even there I’m only waiting for the other shoe to drop and to end up. once again. alone.

I want to do something meaningful, exciting, novel. Writing a novel, that would be a change. And I’m working on it, really I am. Somewhere…between…all the nothing that I do. I can’t even pursue my hobbies with any sort of passion anymore.

And why am I just waiting for things to happen to me, anyway? “And Glinda in her gowns, waiting…” I need to channel my focus, pick an interest and see it through to the end. I need to take responsibility for my life, for my future. I need to take the degree that I worked so hard to get and go to the next level.

I need to stop being afraid.

I don’t want to be stuck here for the rest of my life thinking of all the things I wanted to do or wished I wouldn’t have passed up.

All the time I spent going down the right path — why do I now feel that I fell in the brambles?

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