And I will stand, and I will break the silence…


(Lyrics from “Break the Silence” by The Code)

This morning on the KISS FM morning show (visit the homepage here), Elvis read an email from a listener looking for advice on a new relationship v. girl code issue. For those unfamiliar with girl code, check out Urban Dictionary, or this interesting article that uses popular songs as a guide: “The Laws of Girl Code”. (Note: I am undermining my own place in the girl community by even acknowledging the existence of girl code…but they did it first.)

One of the things you will notice in both these articles and any Google search of same is that there is one core tenet around which the girl code edifice is constructed: DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIEND’S EX. This also applies to crushes, flings, hook-ups, and that cute guy that she locked eyes with for 2.5 seconds at your brother’s cousin’s party three years ago, depending on your interpretation. And, of course, this was the very topic of said listener’s email.

Eva pointed out that she’s always had difficulty finding a good guy, but she started dating a new guy recently and they get along very well. She told her best friend about him, and her best friend proceeded to inform her that she and this guy had gone out on two dates a few years ago, that she is uncomfortable with them dating now, and that Eva should back off.

I’m sorry, what?

This is where my interpretation of the Golden Rule of girl code deviates to the somewhat unacceptable level. If it was two dates…several years ago…and nothing else came of it, then there is no foul. It isn’t like two dates is a reasonable amount of time to decide that this person is the love of your freaking life. I don’t remember if it was Carolina or Danielle who said it, but I am with the lovely lady who pointed out that not only should this not be an issue, but the “friend” should be supporting the letter writer!

Also, this coincides with a few other examples of the girl code coming into play over the last few weeks, examples that have been rankling me because of the circumstances involved:

1. A girl is not a “bitch” for getting together with a guy she dated first, no matter how much you’ve had to drink. This is especially true if no prior friendship between you existed during either relationship, if her relationship was more serious to begin with, and if you specifically indicate that you are over him and have no desire to see him again. Case closed.

2. A girl is not a “whore” just because she got action and you didn’t…especially if she’s your best friend. Take your green eyes and channel them into something useful, because what kind of backstabber are you to begrudge your “best friend” some enjoyment?

3. When you work to hook your best friend up with a guy, you forfeit the right to be pissed off when they actually hook up. Though circumstances may in fact play a role here, it is hypocritical and disloyal to throw your BFF together with somebody – being fully aware that their opportunities for face-to-face contact are limited – and then to be disgruntled that they actually make a connection and to hold it against them.

And people wonder why girls fight…


One comment

  1. Sophie, my darling twin littlest, had this to say:"…But in your view, what about if you like a guy, you date for like, a week, then he says he just wants to be friends? And then your friend (who likes him too) makes her move. Is that going against the "girl code"? (This is all hypothetical of course)"My response to that:In the case you mentioned, where there is a brief time period and obviously the friend is aware of the previous dating situation, there needs to be a sincere conversation between the friends. Personally, if things didn't work out between a guy and me just because of incompatibility, I wouldn't have an issue if one of my friends started seeing him — as long as she had the decency to talk to me first.Example: one of my friends slept with my ex-boyfriend, with whom I had a nasty breakup and for whom I still had unresolved feelings. Not only did she not talk to me about it, she told him and another friend of ours not to tell me. I eventually forgave her, but that is not acceptable.Thoughts?

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