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Just an unrequited lover, wishing she had never spoken your name…

14/06/2010

If I ever write this letter, oh the pages I could write
But I don’t know where to send it
You have vanished, heaven knows where you live
Heaven only knows


If I ever write this letter, bitter words it would contain
Just an unrequited lover
Wishing she had never spoken your name
Had never known your name


But if I ever write this letter, the truth it would reveal
Loving you brought me pleasure
How I’ll often treasure moments that we knew
The precious, the few

~”The Letter”, Natalie Merchant

I am writing this letter. For four days I have maintained a pretty consistent silence, save with a few of my closest friends. I have stayed calm, resisted the urge to throw your things out the window, come to your house or blow up your phone and demand a confrontation. For four days I have continued to love you, even while imagining countless scenarios where I could crush your heart as handily as you have crushed mine.

And still, I linger.

We’ve both already begun to move on – I know it, even as we’re officially “still together” and this was your “time to think”, you’re really just waiting for me to let you off the hook. But you see, I deserve better…and you deserve to be just a little uncomfortable.

You’ve punished me by drawing this out, and what’s funny is that this was your fault. True, the arguing that’s been going on for far too long is a product of many things on both sides, but you lied to me. You deliberately ignored me, turned off your phone (what are we, 12?) and then had the audacity to be put out when I figured it out before you had a chance to cover your tracks. I am many things, my love, but one thing I am not is stupid. I told you once before that I’m smarter than you; it wasn’t meant to be an insult, but surely you can see now that I was right.

I only have my own perspective to explain why we fight, because you don’t talk to me. Maybe you think that I want too much from you, while I know that I don’t get enough. You might think that we spend too much time together, and I would agree – but we don’t spend quality time together; rather, we sit with your friends (never mine) and talk about your interests (never mine), and though I’m the one who’s working we almost always end up on your schedule. How is any of this fair? You tell me I’m your number one priority, but every other word and action out of your mouth betrays the lie. You want me to trust you, then you hand-deliver every reason I shouldn’t.

Yes, I get angry. I cry, I yell, I stay up halfway through the night and threaten to, finally, leave you. Because that’s the only time you ever seem to actually hear what I’m saying. Even then, though, your attitude tells me you don’t care. Why, then, did I continue to stay?

Because I love you. I have loved you from the beginning, six long years ago and every day since then – when you cheated on me, when you lied to me, when you left me, and when you then turned to me for the support that I have always given you. I believe that the best parts of you are still there, hidden under a layer of indecision or perhaps fear of standing on your own.

I wanted to make this work, even to the point that I would fight my own negativity to do so. But I can’t fight you too, and though you say you’ve loved me all this time and that we’re meant to be together, I don’t know if you’re strong enough to be with anyone right now.

My own love, I know that you ultimately made the choice to act in a certain way, but I believe that your actions were directed by another. I’ve made my feelings quite plain on the matter, so just know that those of us who truly love you and always have are here waiting when you finally realize just how toxic he is to your life.

This isn’t over. You will finally break the silence if only to tie up the many, many loose threads we still have hanging. And maybe, hopefully, when we walk away from each other tonight we will do so as friends who have always loved each other. But for four days I have kept silent and waited for you, and I’m tired of waiting.

I love you – now and forever – no matter how much it hurts.

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One comment

  1. […] by shanshantastic — Leave a comment 07/07/2010 I have a little postscript to add to the letter I wrote a few weeks […]



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