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I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity…

08/07/2010

Time for a post-postscript – if yesterday was Tell The Truth Day, then today is In All Fairness… Day.

The world works in balance. Up would not be without down, we wouldn’t know black if we didn’t have white. Bad is tempered by good, and what would good be, after all, without bad?

I have high expectations of everyone around me, mostly because I have them for myself. And when I have a dream I draw it out to its furthest conclusion and will plan, diligently, each step in turn — even if it means I’m running others down. Sometimes I have a hard time just being. My best intentions often come across as overbearing or controlling. I like getting my way and when I don’t, I get pissed.

I wanted to hurt you. So often I felt myself screaming on the inside for you to look at me and care, to feel something. If you can be hurt, that means you can feel – it means that you care what I think, even if you only care what I think of you.

Sometimes I can go an hour without thinking of you; once, I even made it to two hours. And sometimes I can convince myself, if only for a little while, that I don’t really miss you.

I’m not supposed to miss you.

In all fairness…I think of the good as often as the bad, if not more. I make my bed in the morning and remember all the times you would make it before you left, just because you knew I liked it that way. I catch a glimpse of the box where I put the things you gave me and I can still remember exactly what you wrote in the last Valentine’s Day card. I can’t put away all of the reminders, because everything is a reminder.

You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love and not feel your rain…

There were moments when I could look at you and really believe that it could last forever. Like, sitting on the rocks and looking out at the water. Quiet moments, between the arguments that we both (okay, I) started because somewhere along the line we forgot how to talk to each other. And I think of the times when I turned away from you when I should have turned to you, because I just needed to know that you would go that extra distance for me.

Even now, I can hear you say “I love you” when I read the words. And I believe it.

I’m not supposed to talk about these things. I’m not supposed to admit that I love you, that you’re the first person I think of in the morning and the last person to leave my dreams at night. I’m supposed to be strong, and hold on to my anger…to remind myself when I feel my resolve slipping that I really am better off without you.

But, in all fairness, sometimes I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m a fool — but I don’t know if it’s for holding on to you, or for letting you go.

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One comment

  1. the last few paragraphs of this really got me. i’ve been going through similar things with a… friend. a more-or-less friend. and i went through something very similar after each of my past two break-ups.

    there’s a great song by a british alternative band that says, “was our love too strong to die? or were we just too weak to kill it?”

    …it reminds me of where i am and where i want to be every time.



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