h1

Which one of us is really dumb?

02/10/2010

Tryin’ to make this work, but you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep holdin’ on
But the dunce cap is off, you don’t know what you’ve lost
And you won’t realize ’til I’m gone, gone, gone
That I was the one…

Which one of us is really dumb? ~ “Stupid In Love”, Rihanna

In a previous post (“Hope it gives you hell.”) I covered the anger part of separation. Since then, I’ve tried to focus on the more positive aspects of my relationship with Brian as we put it back together and tried to continue. Two months of that, though, and we’re back where we started. It’s been almost two weeks this time, and once again I find myself at the anger stage.

Things didn’t progress the same way — instead of completely ignoring me this time, he came to get his things and told me he still loves me, that he would still like to date but that he “needs to figure some stuff out”. This understandable statement is code, I’ve discovered, for “I’m going to date a whole bunch of other girls but I want you to stick around because I’m pretty sure you’re the one.” So we’ve met for coffee one time,  a completely underwhelming date (trust me, at least I know we both agree about this). Let’s see — it was 9:30 at night. We both worked all day, and you were out diagnosing a car before you even got there (late) so you complained the entire time about being tired. If you think I was having a ball, you’re sadly mistaken.

Everywhere else I turn, there are open arms and steady hearts that hold me up when I start to feel like things will never get better. There are friends giving me vocabulary lessons (“It’s not his decision, it’s his mistake…”), friends who light up with excitement when I arrive, friends who tell me I’m beautiful and amazing — all of the things I should hear from the guy who claims to love me.

There’s been such an outpouring of love in the last two weeks, I feel absolutely surrounded by it. It’s easy to fall under the impression that the world is ambivalent toward you when all of your hopes are placed in somebody who doesn’t see you for who you are; so easy, in fact, that I’ve been brought to the point of tears more than once this week because I had forgotten something very important.

Not only can I do better…I deserve better.

I deserve better than careless kisses and shuffling non-answers, pretty lies or ugly admissions, more than the yo-yo of “I love you, I love you not.” I deserve somebody who will stand up beside me and be a partner, who looks at me with joy and who never has to question his love for me. I deserve all this and more because it’s nothing more or less than I’ve given. I don’t deserve to be dragged along on the misadventure of “let’s go back and make all the same mistakes to decide who I want to be with.”

The answer is always the same, whether it takes three weeks or four years to figure out. And each time I’ve been there, loving without recrimination, ready to finally take the steps to build a life together. So things go well for a little while, except somebody expects complete satisfaction with no effort. Balance requires that two people work together, and actually talk to each other before problems become insurmountable. Yes, problems are inevitable — this isn’t Eden. However, and I realize I’m ruining my own reputation here, I’m not an effing mind reader. My masterful intuition only takes me so far, at which point I need a real explanation. If I don’t know what’s wrong, I can’t fix it and everything will once again fall apart.

The answer will be the same this time as well. The difference is, I won’t be waiting around to hear it.

So tell me — which one of us is really dumb?

Enhanced by Zemanta
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: